Focusing on the good in your husbands is important. Today Amber shares some ways that we can focus on the good in our man.

This post on focusing on the good in our husbands was written primarily by Amber. I have edited a bit here and there.

The Caveat

This post is NOT for women in abusive situations (emotional, physical, or any other sort of abuse). Unfortunately the church has done a great disservice to women in this area, and I want to be upfront that this is not safe advice if there is any sort of abuse going on.

How can you tell if your marriage is difficult or abusive? I always recommend The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick as it dives into difficult vs abusive in every area. You can also check out her relationship assessment for free on her website.

No amount of focusing on the good in your husband will change or fix an abusive relationship unless they are actually wanting to change. The grass may be greener where it is watered, but you will never grow an apple tree if you are watering a peach tree.

There can absolutely be change, but, you need to be safe, emotionally and physically first and foremost.

Some Back Story From Amber

As a freshmen in high school I went on a retreat with the youth group of the church I attended at the time. This retreat was only for girls and was a look into our future and a way for us to start thinking of marriage and what we one day might desire in a husband. This was the first time I had ever heard of making a list of attributes that would be desirable in a future mate.

Growing up in a family with a single mother – my daddy passed when I was 3 – I had little concept of what the role of a husband looked like or what traits to even write down on my list. Fast forward nine years and I met the man I will marry.

Fun fact, I knew from the instant I set eyes on him he was the one. He was also the first and only man I ever dated.

Qualities in a Husband

My list of qualifications had grown a little since the long ago high school retreat. I of course knew I desired to marry a Christian, I knew he had to love children and want a family of his own and that I wanted someone who was a hard worker and would gladly provide for his family fulfilling the Biblical principles of the gender roles God has given.

God was gracious and in giving me my husband checked off my entire list and then some. This year makes 10 years since I have known my husband and eight years that we have been married. When you live with someone day in and day out you know them like no one else.

Comparing Our Husbands vs Focusing on the Good in Our Husbands

We, as humans, have an almost innate quality of comparing our lives to those around us and often in a not so uplifting way. The apostle Paul talks about contentment in Philippians 4

Not that I speak from need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with little, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 

Philippians 4:11-12

Digging Deeper

I want to dig into this verse a bit today in regards to our marriage and the way we view our husbands.

Contextually this verse is not talking about marriage, but I do believe it is applicable. Paul says that he has learned that in whatever situation he finds himself in to be content.

Ladies your husband may want nothing to do with football and my husband may have the mechanical skills yours does not, but we are missing the point if we pine after traits from other husbands.

The beautiful thing is, God created Lance to be a perfect match for me. Focusing on the good in your husband can renew appreciation for him.

It has been said that “Comparision is the theif of joy.” (Some atribute this to Theodore Rosevelt, however that is disputed) The phrase emphasizes that true joy comes from appreciating your own life and achievements rather than constantly comparing yourself (or your husband) to others.

Shifting to Focusing on the Good in Your Husband

Let’s not focus so much on their “negative” qualities that we forget all the good they also have about them.

Now, can our husbands work on changing some of their unhealthy habits?

Yes! And it is okay to address things with them. I am speaking of an overall focus. We should predominantly be seeking the positive. That is where focusing on the good in your husband comes in.

Let us be wives that look for the good in our men and pray that they would grow in those areas that are not strong.

Another scripture apropos to this discussion is Exodus 20:17,“You shall not covet.”

When we look at a friend’s husband and wish ours were more like hers we are coveting.

There is a reason that God has instructed us not to covet; nothing good comes from it. If you have ever been in a situation of coveting you realize that it breeds frustration, jealousy and a tendency to only focus on the negative.

As you can imagine, these things are hard on a healthy marriage!

Focusing on the Good in Your Husband and Addressing Issues

As mentioned above, we absolutely can and should address issues with our husbands, and we should be able to be honest about our feelings with him.

Balance is key, but correction and praise aren’t a one to one thing. Research shows that it take 5 positive interactions or comments to outweigh one negative one. I (Robbi) have written about the weight our words can carry.

While we address the negative things, we do need to remember to balance those with positive, and that is where focusing on the good in your husband helps.

The DEAR MAN communication tool may be helpful. Jefferson Fisher’s podcast has some great episodes on Defensiveness (both how not to get defensive and how to help others not get defensive when addressing issues) and Having a Hard Conversation.

Keeping Perspective

It truly is important to have a perspective of honoring God through the love we give to our husbands.

We must remember that they too are both sinners and image bearers of the Lord. This doesn’t mean that we cannot or should not address issues, however it is important to keep this perspective while we do it.

Unless of course your husband has been abusive, focusing on his positive traits and building him up in those areas while praying (and sometimes addressing) for the rough edges in his life is sure to go far in your marriage.

Focusing on the Good in Your Husband-A Challenge

I would like to issue us a challenge as we walk into this new year.

If you are in a healthy marriage, work at looking for the positive traits in your husband.

• Is he a good provider?
• Does he initiate family Bible study?
• Is your man good at remembering special dates or at sending you flirty messages throughout the day?
• Does he help with the mental load?
• Is he a good father?
• Does he do thoughtful little things?
• Does he take care of the vehicles or yard?
• Does he pray for his family?

Praise him for his good qualities and thank him for the role he has in your life!

Praying for Your Husband

Lastly, but most importantly something we should all be doing more of is praying for our husbands.

Pray for their walks with the Lord, for their witness to be strong, for their relationships with their children and over your marriage.

Talk to God on his behalf about the work he does and ask God to draw your
husband closer to Him. Check out Why Praying for Your Marriage is so Important.

It is when we do these things as wives that we will discover how amazing our husbands truly are.

Strong marriages have a foundation of Christ and are built with mutual love and respect of each other. Focusing on the good in your husband helps to build love and respect for them.

~Amber

My Two Cent and a Reminder

Prayer and Praise are huge! The grass is greener where you water it! However, if you are watering a fig tree, you won’t get apples, so knowing a healthy relationship from an unhealthy, abusive one is important.

Largely Christian marriage books ignore, enable, and sometimes even promote harmful behaviors. I’ve added a list of some safe marriage books below.

Looking for the good, or bad you are sure to find it.

~Robbi

About Amber

Amber is a Jesus-loving gal who is married to Lance, and momma to their two precious sons. She and her family reside in Montana “where the mountains meet the prairie.” Her days are spent writing (she has co-authored the books Walk By the Spirit and a newly released book on
friendship), blogging (with a mission to teach women to cultivate deep relationships with the One True King), and educating her littles. Amber enjoys reading, all things coffee related, distance running, baking and going on adventures with her family. You can find Amber on Instagram, and Threads